Sunday, April 17, 2011

The introspection

I don't know if I have been a loyal son, caring brother, friend to trust upon, or loving partner; but I had always tried to do justice to every role I was in.
Not all what I did or do is right, maybe I don't know what's right or wrong, but whatever done was done with logic which we all grow with age, reasoning and experience.
We all adapt and handle the situations based on these, I take all the responsibility of my action and that keeps me grounded and original.

I don't know what and where I went wrong? What was that I couldn't figure out and why was I not able to change it back? Why did I always let things go?

Sometimes looking back I feel why all these started at first place if they were not intended for me. I might know the answer, but at this moment mind doesn't look for logic or any short of convincing, the feeling of not being respected, loved, misunderstood and neglected leaves you with anger and an urge to release it somehow, somewhere but it doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try to pacify yourself.

I have tried all short of ways, letting it through writing, listening to music, self evaluations, joining gym, even drinking, but all are as temporary solution to a bigger problem. It's more like a resentment which is now deep rooted inside and not able to find a place to release itself.

The feeling of many things unsaid and undone does not let you move forward. Remembering those tiny and small discussions for hours you had earlier with your partner be it on the restaurant to dine, movie to watch, color of the shirt or length of the skirt , anything and everything was always talked about. And suddenly one day someone walks away without given any explanation to the other person as if they never meant anything to them.

When a relationship ends as an open question you will always seek an answer to it long after it's happened. Guys are not like girls who can vent their emotions crying or expressing amongst their family or close friends. For us these unrelieved emotions grow inside as anger or frustration. You don't give yourself fully to any new relationships because of your past experiences.

Relationships are risky, you have to get it right at very first place or be lucky; else things keep on getting complicated. Take the case of two Bollywood hunks Salman and Sahid, their bitter experiences have never let them settle, and this sometimes works as a consolation for us. I am alone is not who is having failed relationship it happens to celebrities also, so It's perfectly ok if it happened to me.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Driving Experience

Let me tell you in the beginning itself that I am not comfortable with fast moving and changing things near me, maybe be because I get confused with influx of more data which in this case in volume of fast moving vehicles.

I have been enjoying biking in Pune from past 4 years, but it sometimes is a nightmare on Indian roads. When you talk about driving in US, all you can say is amazing experience. Road are widen, 4-6 lanes, long never ending roads and what’s important people here will be obeying the traffic rule.

I never drove a car in India and was very scared trying my hands in US. Driving on 4-6 lanes, vehicles changing lanes, big trucks, monster trucks passing by, merging from the city roads on highways, keeping eye on exits or the speed limits, and these traffic rules are very strict in particular to Texas.

When you are learning things like, what if I forget to take the right exist, what if I crossed the speed limit, what if I enter in one way zone, what if I forgot to drive right lane side and took left side of road as in India?
I had always these fear and still have, but the good thing here is that, you don't have much options, you have to learn driving anyhow, else you have to be dependent on others not only for office commutations but for all other basic necessities like shopping, grocery etc.

What can add more to your fear than meeting with accident on your very first trial? Although I had planned to take driving classes, but I wanted to have a few hands-on before I can go for it, as people at driving school will just put you in driving seat and ask to drive. No surprises I was scared about it.

So we rented a car to help me learning the basic things of driving (on Indian DL!!! don't ask how did I get a 4 wheeler DL if I didn't know to drive at first place. Anything is possible in India). We went to a school parking on Saturday, made sure nobody was there (if you hit a person in US, you are gone even if you are Salman Khan). I drove steadily and cautiously till the time I had to take a turn. While turning the steering, it turned a bit more and came close to the curve, as human tendency I wanted to stop the car; the problem was I pressed on the accelerator instead of the BREAKS. Just 5 sec dhaak-dhaak, dhoom, dhak and don’t know how come I pressed the BREAK moment we were to hit the wall in front. Why the heck I couldn’t press it when I was paying full attention, may be my sub-conscious mind is smarter than me.

There was no major loss in that accident, no one was injured and on top we were fully insured, but my friend was more than terrified as if she just came close to GOD.

I know that was my mistake, but I also know that accident do happen, even if you’re the best driver in the world. You can avoid fear for some time, but eventually you have to face it, which I was trying to. It has been 2 months since that happened, I took few classes after that and now I am driving both in cities and on highways. I don’t fear from accident, but I want to make sure I drive to the safest, follow rules, be vigilant. I love it now, when I look back and think about that accident, what all I can say is “I now know where the BREAKS are”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A lost friendship

Life bring surprises in many ways..through people, situations, sometimes from no where. One such thing happened when I was heart broken, the reason, no prizes for guessing.. you are right a GIRL.

I was always found of company of good people with whom I can be myself, with whom I would never feel like being judged or compared. There was one such girl whose intelligence and composure always impressed me and probably was cause of me falling for her. There was nothing to convince me that she was not interested in me (pardon me for considering myself a handsome guy which most of my friends agree to)
We used to spend lots of time together, chat over phone for hours and everyone knew from her work mates to our common friends that there was something going on between us. Unless one day when she came to me and said "I know what you think about me, but I do not have the same feelings towards you. I consider you as my friend"
My first reaction was ,if she was talking to me and whatever she said was meant for me only. Surprised I just kept looking at her as if she said, she didn't recognize me. What the heck in lifetime I can go so wrong in not getting that, she never liked me. I thought I was way clear in my expressions, how can she not know my feelings? was I making fool of myself all these times? That one moment made me think if I was sure of anything in my life then. Surprised, anguished, lost, neglected, rejected, alone, fooled, in pain ,I don't know what all I was experiencing that time.
I tried not to break the friendship, as it would aggravate the pain considering I was not only loosing a person I liked but a friend too. But she did, I would have chosen to be friends, but she had made her own choice. I am glad she did, I never turned back to her either after that. Life is all about the choices you make...
If you have friend like that and you too feel the same like her , then go and talk to them. They will understand, may be he/she will lose the person he/she likes but not the friendship

I am BACK !!!!!

It has been more than a year I was last seen on this blog..
I started blogging not because everyone else was doing so, neither I loved writing, but yes I was expressive and not all of self can be spoken off, something it's better written off . The self which at times is confident, at times shy, sometimes clueless as naive, or embarrassed like a naked child, or sad as if a broken heart, or like deep recovering wound or even trance like a dream


Feelings can be mixed, they may be biased, selfish, kind, agonizing, selfless, even unknown. It's difficult to express oneself during time as you don't know if one is expressing true of oneself or not. I think this chaos has prevailed in my life for some time which is why I was not able to post anything for past 1 year

Sometimes I wanted to write about people whom I loved/admired most, but they left me or rather say I let them go. A thought of getting too personal while expressing about them always prevented me in doing so. May be now I should do that, they all have moved on so as I. So here I am, hope to continue with it for longer..

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Me And Lucky You

“I and you have got a lot in common
We share all the same problems
Luck, Love and life aren’t on our side
I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time
Always the last one in a long line
Waiting for something which may turn out to be right”

How many times we feel like being the unluckiest person on this planet. How many times you feel like saying "God!! Why always me".. why does it starts raining whenever I forget to wear the raincoat? Why the system goes down the time I reach to the counter? Why the bus comes early when I am on time and comes late when I am early? Why do they change the question pattern when I am giving the exam, why don't I have a girl friend when everyone else has? Why India loses the match whenever I am watching it? Why the left side traffic starts moving when I am on the right and vice versa? Why does the lift goes up when I am about to press it?
Have you been in any of these situations in your life, I am sure you have and I too am not the exception? These things have haunted me from long time to an extent that I felt like if God was going to drop 90 diamonds for 100 people on earth, I will be amongst those 10 who won’t be getting it.

Sometimes these comes in form of embarrassments also, there have been couples of instances in my life where I have liked someone and they have come back saying that we are just friends while the whole world around including me thought it's more than a friendship. You should have learnt the lesson at the first place, one can't be wrong twice, but again it's just me.
There is another form of embarrassment which comes as disguise in blessing. One such case happened when I was working with my previous company, my H1 US visa was filed from my project which was considered only lucky few got. This coincided with my appraisal and I was told that, since I will be getting the ticket to Hollywood (I mean USA), so I need to compromise with my promotion.

It didn't mean much to me as I dreamt of travelling abroad as many of us do. Then something happened which hadn't happen in history of H1 visa, all 65K quota got filled in a day, the US consulate received record 150K applications on very first day. I had less than 50% chance of getting it (not mentioning it as more than 50% chance of not getting it, a B+ve look, you can say half glass filed rather than half empty approach). Anyway our project managed to get 7 out of 10 applied visas, the best success ratio as compared to all other projects in the company. But then I was among those remaining three, remember 90 diamonds mentioned above. Now I was neither with promotion nor having visa. It looked like a game plan, someone didn't want me to get either, and someone above was really not happy with me. Although many of my friends from different projects managed to get it and those who didn't, went to other parts of world (The lucky you class) and I was still here, but again it's just me. I then called it a quit and decided to move on (shifted the company).

That was once such events from list of many, friends used to relate me from character of Saif in movie "Dil Chahta Hai", the guy whose life is too messed up and always lands up in trouble, a guy out of luck. One whose outcome of acts turned out to be quite funny.. remember that Christen character in Goa scene? :-) except that always yelling and dominating girlfriend. That was a torture, isn’t it?

Whatever it is, life has its own way of paying to your deeds, many a times I have desperately been looking for something, but got something else at that place although this didn’t please me as I was too engrossed in getting the thing I had wanted, but nevertheless, my journey till now has some unforgettable moments in it and wish it continues to be so in future also.

Sometime back I had watched a movie called "Just my Luck”, it’s about a girl who is always lucky and has an extremely fortunate life and a boy on the contrary who is followed by bad luck wherever he goes. Then comes that one kiss and the world changes as the lucks are interchanged.
Can one such thing happen in my life?? Still searching for that lucky charm

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Here Comes The Rain !!!!

Falling on my head like memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you"


Lots more has been written about rain or monsoon which is how it is known in most part of India. It has different meaning for different people, for some it's relief from heat, for some it's the ray of hope, for some it's chaos, long traffic jams and potholes, for some it's memories of those moments spent with their loved ones, for some it's just a enjoyable walk.
The rain droplets when combine with sun rays, shines like tiny crystal droplets producing one of the most amazing thing to watch. Soft pitter patter all around while producing a unique chorus when dropping out from the green lush plants leaves and finally striking the ground like the sound of birds flapping their wings. That sweet, pungent and subtle smell in the air as the soil moistens and the magical feeling of breathing in the rich fresh air is mind blogging.
Enjoying the hot tea and wada pav in streets of Pune when rain pours from all corners of Tapari and people try to cover themselves to the extended plastic shelter is relished by almost everyone. Sometimes you even feel like coming out of it gracefully and enjoy a sip with rainy nature.

But for farmers it's more than a fortune which sets a jubilant mood as they have been eagerly waiting for it. The temperatures soaring down and those dark clusters of clouds with buzzing sound of thunderstorms send a soothing cool breeze of hope all across their community. When the city dwellers rush to their apartments for rescue, farmer raises his hands to the heavens to thank God for finally listening to his grief and being benevolent. Like a new borne seeking its mother’s bosom to feed it for survival and provide enough strength to carry on.

As a Kid, I had felt it approaching with soft steps while trying not to make any noise sometimes suddenly coming out of dark cloud and then disappearing as if playing hide n seeks with me.
Monsoon brings child out of everyone. During my school days I used to wait for rain to pour in and enjoyed running completely drenched from head to toe . If you are a soccer fan, there can be nothing more pleasing than playing it in this period of time. Those deliberate sliding and falling down on the playground and the mud clashes are hard to forget.

For lovers this season is blessing in disguise. When others look to cover themselves, these free birds walk in rain holding each other's hand together while feeling their warmth and touch.
CCD (Coffee cafe day) is one of the busiest places filled with couples like these. Love blossom in this season and this romance is soon engraved as one of the most memorable moments in their life.
I was not a writer till now, but it did brings a poet hidden out of me. I don't know how many such things we guys develop just to impress our lady love.
Anyway at times I have been stupid also, I can still remember those days standing in front of her window saying Sorry while it rain cats and dogs just to let her know how much I loved her. It used to be a cute and romantic act for her although sometimes I had been on antibiotics after that.
I find rain the best way to connect to the nature. I am in resonance with God through the Mother Nature. I often go beyond into the country side to enjoy the green meadows and sun playing with the clouds to really cherish the delights of this season. I have always loved driving in the rain be it with someone special or alone. Over the years I have embraced it as a true lover. Those tick lings as if playing with my nerve and the severing sensation while rolling over my skin like a passionate lover.
I live my childhood when I see those kids playing out in rain. I feel blessed when walking in rain and when riding on my bike, I fly...

These are some moments which I haven't just lived, but also cherished from ages.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cricket- Is this the Identity of India??


There was a time when I used to watch cricket as if ever thing of mine was at stake. I can still remember the loss which we suffered in 1996 world cup against Sri Lanka to an extent that I remorse for it, forgetting that I had my board exams the next day or be it the famous 2004 defeat by Aussies for which I painted my face and cap with tricolor and brought whistles specially for the Finale...

This kind of feeling national/emotional whatever you say continued for years to come and we kept on feeling bad for those humiliating defeats and then long analysis of the loss like India should have done this or that, they should have dropped him or included him, should not have given bowling to him at this critical junction. Everyone had his own explanation on why we lost (a feel like the nation has lost some kind of war). everyone was so seriously and sincerely involved in it, that it looked Cricket is the only identity and future of India and Indians at large and the pride was now lost.

Things have now changed, I do not try to get emotionally or nationally involved, though I still watch these with same enthusiasm as I used to in the past (as a proof I watched all ICC T20 matches of India which we all lost till end), but then also managed to have a sound sleep.
Perhaps I have grown up in this sense now; I no longer take it as a matter of national emergency or the only identity/pride of India. I take it as a SPORT now, yes as a SPORT where you win some and lose some. Why we lost and what should have been done let's leave it to Captain/Players/BCCI, they have been playing and running this for years, it's their job, they are not answerable to us as they are not elected or selected by public vote. But this still affects our life, I do not know how? each and every word of them is blown in the media. I wonder if this is how it happens in other cases where the captain has to answer on media/press. I wonder if same was done when we had Mumbai episode where our PM has a press conference and then the Media asking all short of questions and PM replying it. I didn't see it happening on TV.

I know this might disappoint some of Crickets lovers, but let them know that, I am also a big fan of Cricket, but let's watch it as a SPORT and forget about who to be included, who had injuries, who should play, who shouldn't. Let's enjoy it as an entertainment when we WIN and forget it as a bad movie as we lose it, but do not forget to have popcorn while watching it.