Sunday, April 17, 2011

The introspection

I don't know if I have been a loyal son, caring brother, friend to trust upon, or loving partner; but I had always tried to do justice to every role I was in.
Not all what I did or do is right, maybe I don't know what's right or wrong, but whatever done was done with logic which we all grow with age, reasoning and experience.
We all adapt and handle the situations based on these, I take all the responsibility of my action and that keeps me grounded and original.

I don't know what and where I went wrong? What was that I couldn't figure out and why was I not able to change it back? Why did I always let things go?

Sometimes looking back I feel why all these started at first place if they were not intended for me. I might know the answer, but at this moment mind doesn't look for logic or any short of convincing, the feeling of not being respected, loved, misunderstood and neglected leaves you with anger and an urge to release it somehow, somewhere but it doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try to pacify yourself.

I have tried all short of ways, letting it through writing, listening to music, self evaluations, joining gym, even drinking, but all are as temporary solution to a bigger problem. It's more like a resentment which is now deep rooted inside and not able to find a place to release itself.

The feeling of many things unsaid and undone does not let you move forward. Remembering those tiny and small discussions for hours you had earlier with your partner be it on the restaurant to dine, movie to watch, color of the shirt or length of the skirt , anything and everything was always talked about. And suddenly one day someone walks away without given any explanation to the other person as if they never meant anything to them.

When a relationship ends as an open question you will always seek an answer to it long after it's happened. Guys are not like girls who can vent their emotions crying or expressing amongst their family or close friends. For us these unrelieved emotions grow inside as anger or frustration. You don't give yourself fully to any new relationships because of your past experiences.

Relationships are risky, you have to get it right at very first place or be lucky; else things keep on getting complicated. Take the case of two Bollywood hunks Salman and Sahid, their bitter experiences have never let them settle, and this sometimes works as a consolation for us. I am alone is not who is having failed relationship it happens to celebrities also, so It's perfectly ok if it happened to me.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Driving Experience

Let me tell you in the beginning itself that I am not comfortable with fast moving and changing things near me, maybe be because I get confused with influx of more data which in this case in volume of fast moving vehicles.

I have been enjoying biking in Pune from past 4 years, but it sometimes is a nightmare on Indian roads. When you talk about driving in US, all you can say is amazing experience. Road are widen, 4-6 lanes, long never ending roads and what’s important people here will be obeying the traffic rule.

I never drove a car in India and was very scared trying my hands in US. Driving on 4-6 lanes, vehicles changing lanes, big trucks, monster trucks passing by, merging from the city roads on highways, keeping eye on exits or the speed limits, and these traffic rules are very strict in particular to Texas.

When you are learning things like, what if I forget to take the right exist, what if I crossed the speed limit, what if I enter in one way zone, what if I forgot to drive right lane side and took left side of road as in India?
I had always these fear and still have, but the good thing here is that, you don't have much options, you have to learn driving anyhow, else you have to be dependent on others not only for office commutations but for all other basic necessities like shopping, grocery etc.

What can add more to your fear than meeting with accident on your very first trial? Although I had planned to take driving classes, but I wanted to have a few hands-on before I can go for it, as people at driving school will just put you in driving seat and ask to drive. No surprises I was scared about it.

So we rented a car to help me learning the basic things of driving (on Indian DL!!! don't ask how did I get a 4 wheeler DL if I didn't know to drive at first place. Anything is possible in India). We went to a school parking on Saturday, made sure nobody was there (if you hit a person in US, you are gone even if you are Salman Khan). I drove steadily and cautiously till the time I had to take a turn. While turning the steering, it turned a bit more and came close to the curve, as human tendency I wanted to stop the car; the problem was I pressed on the accelerator instead of the BREAKS. Just 5 sec dhaak-dhaak, dhoom, dhak and don’t know how come I pressed the BREAK moment we were to hit the wall in front. Why the heck I couldn’t press it when I was paying full attention, may be my sub-conscious mind is smarter than me.

There was no major loss in that accident, no one was injured and on top we were fully insured, but my friend was more than terrified as if she just came close to GOD.

I know that was my mistake, but I also know that accident do happen, even if you’re the best driver in the world. You can avoid fear for some time, but eventually you have to face it, which I was trying to. It has been 2 months since that happened, I took few classes after that and now I am driving both in cities and on highways. I don’t fear from accident, but I want to make sure I drive to the safest, follow rules, be vigilant. I love it now, when I look back and think about that accident, what all I can say is “I now know where the BREAKS are”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I am BACK !!!!!

It has been more than a year I was last seen on this blog..
I started blogging not because everyone else was doing so, neither I loved writing, but yes I was expressive and not all of self can be spoken off, something it's better written off . The self which at times is confident, at times shy, sometimes clueless as naive, or embarrassed like a naked child, or sad as if a broken heart, or like deep recovering wound or even trance like a dream


Feelings can be mixed, they may be biased, selfish, kind, agonizing, selfless, even unknown. It's difficult to express oneself during time as you don't know if one is expressing true of oneself or not. I think this chaos has prevailed in my life for some time which is why I was not able to post anything for past 1 year

Sometimes I wanted to write about people whom I loved/admired most, but they left me or rather say I let them go. A thought of getting too personal while expressing about them always prevented me in doing so. May be now I should do that, they all have moved on so as I. So here I am, hope to continue with it for longer..